What Have We Learned
I suspect that if I could examine it closely I would find that bipolar disorder makes it even more clear that I am not my ego. Depression tells me I'm worthless; mania tells me I can do anything. Neither is true, but both are beliefs that I could closely associate with myself if I chose to. Now that (I believe) I am neither depressed nor manic, I can also see that there is some kind of core here that is stable beneath the surface of mood swings.
It may be telling that I have to write "I believe" in parentheses in the paragraph above: "Now that (I believe) I am neither depressed nor manic..." While there is apparently some core beneath all the changing patterns I mistake for my Self, I am not at all sure where it is, how to get to it, or how to hold on to it when the false Self becomes tumultuous. Where is the part of me that knows what stability is, that knows the difference between lying thoughts and the sober, certain truth? I would kill to be able to find my stable core when depression and mania are lying to me.
I was taught, though, that even if I can't hold onto that stable core, I don't have to be tossed around by the storm. Orthodox Christians answer this need by repeating the Jesus prayer over and over ("Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner"). For those times when depression has your brain fried, a monk (who in another life had been a psychologist) suggested this: feel the chair you're sitting in, get out in nature and feel the breeze, touch the leaves, play with the dog. Do something that roots you in physical reality. These are the things that have gotten me through. It's too easy, especially in mental illness, to forget that there's a world outside your mind.
If I didn't know better I could easily be fooled into complacency, with this peaceful period I'm currently experiencing. I'd love to believe that this is the true me - peaceful, happy, laid-back, hardworking - and that once you take away bipolar disorder, this is what you're left with. Knowing that moods lie, I don't believe it for a minute. This is nice, and I could think of it like visiting a tropical vacation spot, but I don't think it can be any more trusted than can depression or mania.
I didn't think I would feel this way. I am joyful, yes. My God, am I ever grateful for the vacation spot! There are no words to describe it, and if I think about what depression was like, I could cry tears of joy not to be there anymore. I feel no suspicion, as I have before, that this is simply pre-mania, or that this is a drug-induced high (ahem, strictly legitimate pharma, I swear). I feel grounded. I am happy to enjoy my vacation.
But I don't want to mistake this for my Self, either. I've spent a lot of time and gone through a lot to get un-depressed, but it was never the goal. Losing the depression is a means to an end, an attempt to get rid of a painful distraction from actually living my life and finding my true self in God. I am feeling a lot of relief right now, but if there are things to have learned from having untreated bipolar disorder, I also don't want to forget them. If I have learned anything, it's that my thoughts and feelings are not an entirely reliable guide to reality. This may not seem earth-shattering, and it really does look like common sense, but I'm amazed by how many people seem not to know it. Don't rest in your ego. Its arms are only comfortable until it throws you over a cliff. :p

chipper